Today’s Feelings
Is This a Journal Entry?
My mind always runs as I am in a constant state of self reflection: “What would’ve happened if I did this or said that?” and “how could I have done better?” I notice my shortcomings in certain areas, or problems that I or others may have, and immediately consider solutions to those issues. I love this about myself, along with how busy my mind is. It’s a surprise to many how I can maintain all of my thoughts, even though my mind is much faster than my mouth at times.
During this time in my life, I find myself observing much more than I’d done before, so much more. I love to learn about people, and even more about myself, my current reality. I appreciate the similarities and differences that I share with others while also understanding that people have their own lives to live, their journeys, aspirations..
As I would like to grow with them, I accept that this may not be the best time. I am one person, and can only extend myself but so far. As this is the same with all of you as well. All things considered, life is not over. “We have all the time in the world”, some will say. I do believe that there is some truth to that.
As I am learning more about myself and gradually becoming the man that I had always dreamt of becoming, who I am destined to become, I find a strong desire to be more “silent”. I’ve had this feeling since February, but something about the month of March, my birth month, had me in a space where I wanted to share more about myself with the world; so I did. I’ve shared plenty of things that I resonate with on social media for others to view and connect with, in my vulnerability, openness. Now that March is over with, the feeling of isolating myself returns, a little stronger than before.
I want to get away from technology, and be more present in the physical, “real” world. I was never really one to watch sports because I would rather play the game myself than to watch someone else. The same applies to life, as the relationship with social media brings us to spend so much time looking into the lives of others that we sometimes neglect our own, in some way, shape, or form. I prefer more of a balance with this.
Besides my desire to have a family and pour into them, spending as much time with my loved ones as possible, I want to further develop certain skills, and connections. I want to leave my house more often, improve in a few sports, and find friends for my mean dog! COVID played a part in keeping everyone indoors, and still, sometimes, leaves me hesitant with placing myself in public spaces.
My mental list of 2022 goals included being more present, physically, and choosing not to sit on my talents any longer, as I had done in previous years. I’d often said, since the beginning of the year, that 2022 is for growth. Although this is the case for every year, for me, I feel that there’s something special, different, about this one.
Currently, I am focused on balancing my selfishness and aggression with my heightened emotional state, or selflessness. The emotional intelligence has always been there, but I am much more considerate nowadays as the need to be aggressive has decreased. I’ve used my aggressive feelings in the past as motivation to exercise and become stronger to better protect myself and those around me. This is not much of a challenge as my desire is only to tap into these emotions at will, as needed.
I’ve also always wanted to publish my own work one day. Originally, this would’ve been a fictional tale, but as I dove into philosophy during my college years, I developed a strong desire to put my views into the world about how I feel that life should be. As my consideration and care for the lives of others increased, I had come to speak of Love more often. I posted quotes on my social media about the type of Love that people should accept, and how abuse and neglect should not be considered or accepted as Love.
I realized that a lot of people are hurting, and wanted to provide them with more content to relate to, and potentially use that content in their healing process. Medium was suggested to me by a friend of mine that recognized my talent and desire, so here I am, extremely thankful for him!
I will end here as I do not want to go on for too long.
Thank you for reading, and feel free to check out a few of my favorite, most recent, pieces below ❤
